


matchmaker matchmaker get off my back

by laurenshappenstobemyhusband



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Akabane Karma Has ADHD, Akabane Karma is a Little Shit, Alternate Universe - High School, Established Relationship, M/M, Nagisa being Nagisa, Valentine's Day, but is also the BIG OBLIVIOUS, but nothing can defeat the gay agenda, it's a whole shebang, karma has spidey senses confirmed, kayano exists, nakamura tries her best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23726431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurenshappenstobemyhusband/pseuds/laurenshappenstobemyhusband
Summary: "So what are you looking for in a girl?" Kayano asks, eyes glinting.Karma pretends to ponder it. "Oh, definitely someone short, with a high voice. Cool colored hair is nice, maybe green or blue. And pigtails. Definitely pigtails." His taste is also decidedlymale, but that’s none of their business."Oh my god," Nakamura whispers to Fuwa. "It's so obvious. He totally has a thing for Kayano."ORThe girls of class 3-E are determined to match Karma up with someone. Problem is, he's already taken.
Relationships: Akabane Karma & Kayano Kaede, Akabane Karma & Nakamura Rio, Akabane Karma/Shiota Nagisa
Comments: 50
Kudos: 1999





	matchmaker matchmaker get off my back

**Author's Note:**

> This is a travesty.
> 
> How DARE this fandom. HOW DARE. 2137 works in the assassination classroom tag. 661 KARMAGISA. WHEN THEY ARE THE MOST PERFECTLY COMPATIBLE CHARACTERS ON THE PLANET. KARMAGISA WALKED SO BAKUDEKU COULD STUMBLE. 
> 
> Excuse me while I have an aneurysm

Waves of love mania always sweep the E classroom around Valentine's day. Karma's used to it, having gone to this school for years, and he deals with it easily. He even gets some chocolates of his own, mostly from his friends and classmates. Nobody outside is masochistic enough to try and give one to him, much less confess. He likes it better that way. After all, he has a boyfriend.

Nagisa always gives him his after school, at one of their houses away from everyone else's prying eyes. It's always thoughtful and sweet, and Karma keeps the card every year, tucking it away in a locked box he would definitely kill someone for opening. 

As for Karma's gift to Nagisa, he's a little less gracious. His is always garish, over the top and outdoing every other gift in their class. Of course, since their relationship is a secret - Karma prefers to keep his caring side hidden to the class - he always signs the chocolates the same way, much to Nagisa's chagrin.

"Ooh, Nagisa, another gift from your secret admirer?" Isogai asks, peering over his shoulder at the giant bouquet of flowers and box of chocolates. Nagisa looks like he's about to combust, but instead just smiles and tucks the gift away in his bag carefully. 

"Looks like it."

Karma watches his face burn with a smug smile. He's sure Nagisa'll get him back for this, like he always does, but for now it's too fun to watch him get all red. Even though he always knows who the gift is from - is the only one to know, in fact - his reaction never varies: completely and utterly flustered.

Nakamura taps him on the shoulder. By the look on her face, she definitely saw him staring. Lucky for Karma - and a big thanks to hetero-normative society as a whole - she gets the entirely wrong idea.

"No secret admirer for you, Karma?" she asks, and Karma shakes his head, making an exaggerated teardrop motion.

"Nope."

In truth, he doesn't know what he'd do if he actually had a secret admirer. Jealous Nagisa is a rare sight, and also happens to be super hot, so it would probably be considered a good thing. The person being a secret would also work in his favor, as he'd never actually have to talk to the person and let them down gently.

Plus, free chocolate.

Now if _Nagisa_ had a real secret admirer, that would be a different story. Let's just say Karma would find out whoever it was and strongly advise them against pursuing Nagisa. He still has a bag filled with wasabi tubes in case they tried to argue.

"I don't really have a sweet tooth, anyway," he continues, laying out on the windowsill. "If my good looks weren't balanced out by my bloodthirsty nature, I doubt I would be able to keep up with the mountain of candies thrown at me. It's for the best like this."

On a scale of one to ten, Karma would rate his luck as a 9 out of 10. He always seems to be in the right place at the right time, and he usually wins every fight he has. Plus, his grades are top of the line even when he puts no effort in. So, he'd consider himself pretty lucky.

At least, he did before. 

"Akabane, can I talk to you for a minute?" a voice says from right outside, and Karma almost falls off of his windowsill.

Nobody in class E calls him Akabane, so that's the first red flag. It doesn't sound like a teacher either. Before Karma even turns around to face the person, he already has a basic idea as to who it is. 

A girl from one of the main campus classes. And he's getting a bad feeling from the box in her hand.

He follows her outside the classroom, looking back just once at Nakamura. She looks smug, probably going to take pictures of him the whole time to mock later. He'd do the same for her, after all. She also looks happy for him, which only sours his mood even more. It would be a hell of a ton easier if everyone in their class minded their own business.

The girl's confession is short and to the point. Karma respects it, even if he can't accept it. He's never spoken to the girl before, and he already has someone (and that's besides the fact that he's also gay as shit). He's gracious in turning her down, for both of their sakes as well as Nagisa's. The blue haired boy is always happier when Karma's nice to people, even when they aren't him. That's just the type of person he is.

"That was quick," Nakamura remarks when he walks back in, box of chocolate in hand. The girl had insisted he take it, since she made it for him, after all. He had thanked her and pointed her in the right direction down the mountain, using a shortcut he himself found through their hours of training. Just a little compensation for her troubles.

"She wasn't my type," Karma shrugs. "I let her down easy, and that was that. She probably didn't know me very well if she was confessing in the first place. I always thought my reputation preceded me, but I guess there are some corners of the school left untouched."

"Your type?" Nakamura seems fixated on that one detail, like he didn't just say a whole paragraph. Nobody but Nagisa can keep up with his rants, anyway, not that they bother to listen. "You have a type?"

"Of course. Doesn't everyone?" 

Kayano seems interested now too. All of the girls in their class - as well as most of the boys - are gossip-mongerers. Attracted like flies to honey. Or vinegar? Whichever one attracted more flies. Karma's interests don't include old adages.

"So what are you looking for in a girl?" she asks, eyes glinting.

Karma pretends to ponder it. His taste is decidedly _male,_ but they don't need to know that. "Oh, definitely someone short, with a high voice. Cool colored hair is nice, maybe green or blue. And pigtails. Definitely pigtails."

He winks discreetly at Nagisa, and the other boy pretends not to notice. Probably still salty about the big display with the chocolates, although Karma can't bring himself to mind. If there are two things he loves in the world, it's spoiling his boyfriend and playing a joke on someone.

Unbeknownst to him, the girls in the class are just getting started. A little gossip goes a long way, and they're ready to stretch it for all they're worth.

"Oh my god," Nakamura whispers to Fuwa. "It's so obvious. He totally has a thing for Kayano."

Fuwa's eyes widen, and she looks from Karma to Kayano, then back to Karma. It doesn't seem to make sense, and yet...

"They are sorta friends," she concedes. She takes in Nakamura's smirk and raises an eyebrow. "You look like you're planning something."

"Is it that obvious?" She doesn't wait for a response. "I just want to help my friend out. He doesn't have anyone to date, so he's clinging to Nagisa. And what'll happen when Nagisa's secret admirer comes forward? He'll be left with no one. I'm just doing him a favor."

"Don't interfere too much," Fuwa concedes. She knows she can't argue with Nakamura when she puts her mind to something. "I know you want this to play out like a romance manga, but don't stick to the stereotypes. They're not meant for real life and will probably get messed up."

"Have some faith in me, Fuwa," Nakamura chides. "If you're lucky, I'll let you help me set this up." She looks between Kayano and Karma, tapping her chin and grinning. "They won't know what hit them."

Karma's in an extra good mood the next day. Nagisa came over the night before and after the initial anger-fueled makeout session (at least, angry on Nagisa's end) they had settled down and watched the same superhero movie they always did on Valentine's day. It was tradition, after all, ever since their first date to see that movie. Nagisa even got to stay the night, and both of Karma's parents were away on business, so...

Extra good mood. That was the point. Karma practically skips to school.

Of course, even with a new rosy look on life, his senses are still sharp and fine tuned. Something smells positively fishy as he walks in, late as always, and he's frowning before he even knows what it is. His hand reaches for the pen knife in his pocket out of instinct. Then his eyes settle on the back of the classroom: his desk is missing. He almost sighs in relief that it wasn't something bigger, although the pang of disappointment at not being able to use his knife is palpable. _One day, my friend._

"The main building had a shortage, so they came and took the extra desks," Okajima explains, popping his gum. "We tried to tell them not to, but you know Asano. He doesn't care about our opinions."

Something still doesn't feel right, but this is just the kind of classic shit that Asano pulls whenever he can. Karma's surprised this hasn't happened before. He would bet on his life that his desk is currently under Asano's feet. In just a few hours he'll probably get a snapchat of Asano burning it, only to be replaced with a worse quality one the next day. He's efficient, that sneaky bastard.

"No worries," he says, determined not to let it faze him. He can always confront Asano after school, remind him from one closet case to another that stealing desks is such a childish move. Karma's not sinking to his level, although he's dipping just a bit for simplicity's sake. He doesn't have time for an elaborate revenge plot, not for something so petty. Blackmail is always effective.

He takes his stuff to Nagisa's desk, pulls up a chair, and scooches it until he's right next to Nagisa. "Mind if I join you?" he asks, tapping his chin imploringly. In terms of punishments, this one is mild at worst. Sitting next to Nagisa is like a vacation. Plus, if Nagisa gets called on in class and he doesn't know the answer, he can just whisper it to him. Karma hates teachers that cold call even more than he hates Asano. At least the discount version of himself is creative with his torture.

Meanwhile, just a few feet away, Nakamura is almost having a heart attack.

"He's sitting right next to her!" she whispers in a frenzy back to Okano. She has to be extra sneaky, since Karma's now sitting only a desk away from her, but discretion is one of her strong suits. "Do you see it now?"

"Maybe?" In theory, Okano supposes, it could work, although Karma seems like too much of a sadist to care about someone like that. Certainly not Kayano, who looks fragile enough to break at a single glance. She always thought he would go for stronger stuff. But hey, her intuition's been wrong before.

"Are you alright?" Nagisa whispers to Karma sometime in the middle of math. He's sitting on the edge of his seat, frowning at his paper. Not because it's hard - he finished it ages ago - but because--

"Something feels weird," Karma whispers back. The hairs on the back of his neck are standing up, and he chews on the back of his pen thoughtfully. "It doesn't feel like an immediate threat, but it's nagging at me."

"You and your threats. You're the one who always starts the trouble anyway," Nagisa chides, and Karma resists the urge to kiss the satisfactory grin off his face. Not because he cares who's watching, but for Nagisa's sake. 

"You're probably right." A pause. "Come with me to the shooting range after school? You're getting closer to beating me every time."

Nagisa looks up at the teacher, who's still distracted with another student, then back at Karma. "Not everyone needs competition to motivate them. I'll come because you enjoy it, and it's not a bad way to spend an afternoon."

"How did I end up with the most caring boyfriend on the planet? If people found out we were dating they'd probably think I forced you into it."

"That's because you like looking scary. Doesn't fool me."

"Aw, honey, you don't think I'm scary?"

Just as expected, Nagisa's face goes bright red at the pet name. Still, he perseveres. What a BAMF. "Not to me. Now shhh, I'm gonna fail math if I don't get this down. We have a test next week, remember?"

"I can always tutor you. I'll teach it better than this oldie, too." He waves to their teacher, who narrows his eyes but doesn't call him out. He might be smarter than Karma thought.

Nagisa purses his lips. "You always _say_ you'll tutor me, and then when the time comes you always spend five minutes trying to explain the 'super easy concept,' then you get distracted and it all goes downhill from there."

"I never-" He cuts himself off, knowing it's futile to try and bluff. Nagisa can smell a lie a mile away. "You know what? You're totally right. I'll try and be less distracting." He seals his lips, throwing away the key with a wink. 

However lovable Nagisa is, he's simply not enough to keep Karma occupied during class, since he's all studious and whatever. Karma drums his fingers on the desk, then when Nagisa looks up at him, switches over to bouncing his leg restlessly. There's a reason he sits in the back, and it's not only so he can nap through boring lectures. It's a hell of a lot easier to do what he wants when nobody's in earshot. 

So when his english teacher asks for volunteers to bring textbooks from the other class, he's the first to stand up. 

"I can do it," he says, flashing his winning smile. He needs to be extra convincing, since he never volunteers for anything in class without an ulterior motive. His teacher is hardly charmed, having taught him for a year, but what can she do? She asked for it, really.

"Anyone else?" 

"Kayano, why don't you help?" Nakamura suggests, and all eyes turn to her. Nobody's more shocked than Kayano herself.

"You want me... to help with heavy lifting?" she asks, gesturing to herself. "The shortest girl in the class?"

"You have to start building strength somewhere." Nakamura uses her own winning smile, and Karma's slightly annoyed that it actually works on Kayano. He's even more annoyed that the weird feeling in the back of his neck is back. Like he's being watched.

"Alright," Kayano says resignedly, and follows Karma out of the classroom. She sends Nakamura a backwards glance, but the blonde just gives her a thumbs up. Odd.

The textbooks are in the library down the hall, thank god. Karma loves hiking as much as the next person, but going all the way down the mountain and up again repeatedly for a couple of used books that they'll never use seems like a specialized form of child abuse.

Kayano is more Nagisa's friend than anything, but Karma's on alright terms with her, which is saying a lot considering who he is. So he can do the awkward small talk as they carry the textbooks, him carrying the majority of them with her taking two or three each trip.

"How's your cat?" she asks, since Nagisa showed her a picture of Raptor once. 

"Still a devil," he says, rolling up his sleeve to show off a new scratch mark on his arm. "Might fuck around and make stew out of her, I don't know. At least then she'll be useful for something."

Of course, he loves his cat more than anything and spends hours watching Youtube videos with her on his lap, but that's none of her business. Most of the time, Raptor is a devil, so that part's true. It only makes her more lovable, though. He doesn't like pets that don't have at least a little bit of bite to them.

Kayano chooses to take his statement like a joke, which does make his life slightly easier. No need to get PETA on his ass for anything. She's still giggling to herself when they walk in with the last load, which causes her to trip on an uneven floorboard, almost spilling the books everywhere. Karma catches her arm before she can go sprawling, balancing his own books in his other arm.

"Thanks," she says, slightly out of breath. Karma lets go of her arm, checking himself for any sign of disarray. No, still spotless. 

"Careful. Floors are mighty tricky," he says with a smirk, placing his books on the teacher's desk and returning to Nagisa's seat. Nagisa doesn't look happy with his quip, but he should be grateful. Karma just saved his friend from wiping out in the middle of class. He doesn't do that for just anyone. Hell, most of the time he's the one tripping them in the first place. 

Right when Karma's gathering his stuff at the end of the day, Maehara of all people stops him. 

"What do you think of Kayano?" he asks, totally out of left field. Karma tolerates her more than he does some other people in their class, but for some reason he feels that's not the answer he's looking for. So, he improvises.

"Kayano? Decent person. Shame about the whole 'forever flat' situation. People can be so judgmental." He thinks hard, adding, "Sorta reminds me of my cat." Small, but could definitely scratch your eyes out. He's seen those nails, and they look _sharp._

"Huh. Alright," Maehara says, and Karma's skin is prickling with the feeling of wrongness. If he could just put a finger on it...

"Karma, are you coming?" Nagisa asks, his own bag slung over his shoulder. As always, he pops up out of nowhere, invisible until he wants to be seen and surprising the crap out of Karma.

Karma snaps himself out of whatever trance he's in, nodding. Maehara is gone before he can ask what the hell that was about, and he decides it was nothing. After all, what could possibly be taken from something like that?

His desk returns the next day, so he doesn't confront Asano after all. The strange feeling is more muted, and it's easier to sit in class from his place far from the front. Sitting right by the teacher only made his restlessness worse. The smell of incompetence, he figures.

Nakamura approaches him during lunch with a proposition disguised as a fun after school activity. Karma can see through the bullshit; Nakamura's just as good at plotting as he is. The only question is, what could she be plotting by inviting him and Nagisa to the movies?

"It'll be fun," she wheedles. "Me, you, Nagisa, and Kayano. You love action movies."

"Only from a certain director. Besides, don't you have to study for math?"

"Already done last week." For a sneaking snake - and he means it as a compliment, as he is a sneaking snake himself - she sure is always prepared.

"Lemme ask Nagisa, and I'll get back to you." He's sure Nagisa will say yes, because he actually _does_ like action movies, but he needs time to turn it over in his mind. _Are her and Kayano even friends? It's a weird group to invite. If she was going for a group thing, she'd invite Sugino too, since he's Nagisa's closest male friend. Well, besides me of course, but there's no argument there. Where's the conclusion? Where's the catch?_

The catch, he soon finds out, is much simpler and more annoying than he could've imagined.

"Nagisa, sit here!" Nakamura insists when they reach their seats, and because Nagisa is a sweet and feeble piece of lettuce, he sits down where she tells him to without a complaint. Right next to her. All the way at the end. 

Karma has no choice but to sit all the way on the other side, next to Kayano. He doesn't feel like sitting next to Nakamura; she's positively _radiating_ suspicious vibes, and he doesn't want them stinking up his new jacket.

The movie starts, and he lets his mind ponder the predicament while he spaces out to the sound of cars crashing into each other at high speeds. Right when the main character crashes into a cop car, the idea bursts into his mind.

 _The four of us. Two boys and two girls. Nakamura's trying to be a matchmaker._ He almost laughs out loud, it's that ridiculous. Not only that she thought he was looking for someone to date, but the fact that she invited him and his boyfriend on a double date _to date other people._

And who does she match him up with? Kayano Kaede, forever flat? He supposes he talks to her the most out of the girls, save for Nakamura herself, but _what a reach._ Besides, she used to have a giant crush on Nagisa. That makes her persona non grata in terms of dating people. Nakamura of all people should know this, since she used to like Nagisa herself...

Karma almost slaps himself in the face. Why didn't he make the connection? Maybe because half the _grade_ likes Nagisa, so much that he's just used to it by now. _Why does he have to be so sweet and perfect? It's really inconvenient at times like this._

He peers over at Nakamura, who in turn is looking at Nagisa, who's the only one actually paying attention to the movie. Even Kayano looks more interested in the popcorn than the screen.

He needs to think quickly to get out of this. Thankfully, according to his grades, he's one of the quickest thinkers in the grade. Asano only takes the top title sometimes because he's actually able to sit and study for hours at a time. _God knew I would be too powerful as a neurotypical. And yet here I am, just as flawless._

_Shut up. Focus. Get Nakamura off of your mans before shit gets real._

He taps Kayano on the shoulder. She can help him in this, even if she's just as much of a pawn in Nakamura's game as he is. 

"I think we've been set up," he whispers, and she looks from him to Nakamura, then back. Her eyes are wide and knowing.

"I probably should've noticed. Let me guess, I'm not your type?" She sounds so self-deprecating, so out of character, it gives Karma pause. He gets that she always gets the flat chested comments, but he never knew she actually took it to heart. It just seemed like a gag to him.

"You're not flat enough for my tastes," he mumbles under his breath.

"What?"

"I'm gay." He doesn't mean for it to spill out, but it does. His brain always ascertains the easiest way out of any situation, and for once it was the truth. He jerks a thumb at Nagisa. "I like him, just like everyone else in the class."

He doesn't mention that they're dating because it's not for him to say. Plus, he doesn't want to waste time convincing her that yes it's legitimate, no he didn't threaten him in any way, thank you for asking.

"So you want me to make Nakamura stop with this," she gestures between the two of them, "and also back off from Nagisa?"

"You're smarter than I thought. Yes, precisely. If you can do it without outing me, even better." Nakamura's his best friend, but she's also a fellow savage. He doesn't need her pointing out hot guys every time they go out together and teasing him for that too. 

"Leave it to me. I got this." She doesn't say anything more, and loathe as he is to admit it, Karma trusts her to do something right. That's right, he's evolving. Someone get him a medal.

The next day, Karma walks into school feeling lighter than he had the day before. He saw Kayano whispering something to Nakamura as he walked out of the theater, and he is sure that the matchmaking nonsense is finally over. Now he can return to focusing on what he loves best: slacking off.

Nakamura approaches him when he enters the classroom, and he braces himself for some sort of attack. Instead, she just pats him on the shoulder consolingly.

"Probably not good for your ego, right?" she says. "I'm sure you've never been rejected in your life." And as confused as he is, he's also a professional actor. He can roll with the punches.

"Yeah, what can I do? I'll live," he says, putting his right hand over his heart. She nods sympathetically and gives him a box of strawberry milk. _This day is turning out to be a great one after all,_ he thinks, sipping it on his way to his seat. Now that there's a happy ending, he can tell Nagisa the whole story. He'll probably get a kick out of it, if he's not still in a grumpy studying-for-math mood.

"What did you tell her?" he asks Kayano later on, and she grins.

"I said that you confessed to me and I turned you down because I still like Nagisa. Two birds with one stone, right?"

Karma doesn't know whether to be grateful or offended. "That's cutthroat," he remarks. "Respect."

"Thank you," she preens. "And if it's any help, I think Nagisa might like you too. He's always staring at you and stuff."

Karma has to bite back a smirk. "Really? Whodathunk."

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: laurenshappenstobemyhusband
> 
> If you guys have any karmagisa recs then let me know because I am STARVING.
> 
> Also did I sneak my "karma has adhd" headcanons in as a treat? Maaaaaaaaybe


End file.
